Here I am, ready to go out to a party. A rare incident, indeed. I really have been out of the social scene for the past several years, so I am having to get used to fixing up and going out again. More on that below.

In reading my dear liv's post, I realized that the Valentine craziness is ubiquitous. I have found my self wondering in the past few days just why I have not been besieged by prospective suitors. I am asked constantly: "are you dating yet?" "are you seeing anyone?" "I can't believe you aren't dating yet"... to which I smile and sweetly inform that "I'm not ready" or "I'm not looking" or some other truth. And it is true, I'm not. But, I've also not been asked, if you don't count the psycho at Kroger or the usual married men that just don't get it (I don't do crack, and I don't do married men...duh). It has started to bother me. Just why haven't I had at least one suitable inquiry?

I confess, I decided that something must be wrong with me. So, I decided to enlist an unbiased opinion: the eharmony personality profile. I thought, "well, you should do this online test and maybe get some insight into who you are and why no one is attracted to you--after all, its free and it covers a thousand and six different personality traits" (did I mention I have had a couple of really rough weeks and very little sleep?). So, after an exhaustive questionnaire--those guys weren't kidding about the million personality traits-- I had my profile. Gee, I sound nice enough. Put away the computer and get some much needed sleep.

Unfortunately, I didn't realize that you have to tell the eharmony folks that you don't actually want them to search for a match for you. The next day, I had an email that 6 (yes,six) men had been selected by the computer for the dubious honor of potentially corresponding with me. And with eharmony's very regimented, foolproof standardized questions I would be sure to find--shall we say--harmony?

Shit. It's amazing how fast you can type when you need to get into a site fast and figure out how to get yourself "unharmonized". I quickly found the tiny discrete dot to check that said that I didn't want to be considered for potential matches and checked it. Then I had to deal with the Dirty Half Dozen. Interestingly, of the 6, 3 had the same first name as my ex. Weird. Block immediately. One had already nixed me because I didn't provide a picture (no duh, I was doing it for me, and I already know what I look like). I blocked the other two as well; however, one had already decided I was worth "getting to know better" and had picked five questions from the
list of 30 or so that eharmony provides as the "next step to finding compatibility".
My curiosity was aroused, so I decided to read the questions. Keep in mind that these are the FIRST CONTACT WITH A POTENTIAL DATE. Are you ready?

1. Where would you prefer to spend a week for a dream vacation? (its multiple choice, so you can't get too creative here)
2. How much time do you need alone each week?
3. something inane that I don't remember...
4. How do you feel about public displays of affection?
5. wait for it.....How open are you to premarital sex?

OK, so I admit that I find many of today's dating standards shocking...at least what I hear of them. I am one of those Southern-bred ladies who gets offended when the bank teller calls me by my given name (hey, she doesn't know me, what ever happened to common courtesy?). But, my God. Asking about "you know what" before you even know things like "what is your ideal date?", or "how do you like to spend your spare time?" or "when was your last complete physical and did they do adequate testing for diseases I could catch?"--now that is just too much for me. I somehow think (hope) that this guy will be looking for a while.

I also had the pleasure of attending a benefit last night for the local Ronald McDonald House. I hate to go to these things unescorted, but I went with my dear friends Dawn and Roger, and Gena. These Galas are basically to see and be seen, so I had to fix up a bit. I realized about 4pm that my hair was unacceptably gray at the roots, so a touch up was in order--then had to rush like a crazy person to get ready. I left my hair "undid", so it was a bit wild. The theme was "Denim to Diamonds" (what the hell does that mean?) so after consulting Dawn I decided that skinny jeans, boots, and a sparkly top were in order. And I looked OK for a "forty something divorced mother of three". True to form, there were lots of useless auction items, which I refused to bid on, and the usual assortment of "married but still looking" guys. It was rather unnerving. I don't think I looked like a hoochie momma or anything--I definitely blended in with the crowd--but you would have thought I was a naked table dancer from the way a couple of those men looked at me. I decided again, that going out "unescorted" was really not a good option. I did feel the need to contribute to the cause so I made my donation at the raffle table with the guns (hey, this is Georgia, and there were some cute guys standing around playing with those things). I flitted about, dismissed a couple of married men (have these guys no shame?), and realized it was time to get home to my little darlings. I left my raffle tickets with my boss's wife--he had bought "gun tickets" too, so I knew they would be staying for the drawing.

And, you guessed it, I won. An hour later they were knocking on the door with my prize. A shotgun. Not that I don't like guns--like I said, I am a Southern-bred lady and I do know how to handle a gun. Still, it struck me as funny. I just wish I had been there to claim it myself in front of all those he-men who were standing around the table snickering when I bought my ticket. And, it wouldn't hurt a bit for the married guys and other weirdos to know that I can handle a gun!

As for the dating, I really am not ready. I know that. I was married for too long to suddenly (is 8 months sudden?) jump back into the dating scene and feel comfortable. I also know that when the time is right the universe will send me someone interesting with whom to harmonize. Let's just hope I can still remember how to sing!