Wednesday, January 31, 2007

o.k. so this day was a total F**K up...

Have you ever had one of those days when all the bad joo joo of the past weeks/month/years that you have blythly shrugged off just collapses on your head like an enormous, suffocting dung heap? I have had that kind of night. And yes, while it sounds good and feels right to justify my own bad behavior with a litany of just what hasn't gone right in my world lately, the truth of the matter is sometimes I just fuck up. And I pray that nobody gets hurt. And sometimes, that's just not good enough.
Bottom line--no, I didn't kill anyone (and in my field that is actually a possibility, so I guess there is a God, and he is still looking after fools and small children). I over-reacted, spoke prematurely, and hurt someone very dear to me. When I discovered my error--almost immediately--I apologized, profusely and sincerely, but the fact is I was wrong and I hurt someone with my words and my hysterical accusations. What was I thinking? Why did I get so irrational and out of control? I don't know--I only know that it was wrong and I feel terrible. I always try--albiet not always successfully--to be kind. No, actually, I am rather a bitch in a lot of ways, but my goal is to try to be kind. I just fuck up sometimes. But I never, NEVER deliberately try to hurt someone. And now, I have. I can't think of anything to do or say, except I am profoundly sorry, and I suspect that isn't enough.
So what will come of it all? I don't know. I hope that my apology will be accepted, but I know from experience that forgiveness is more difficult. It doesn't take a lot of stupidity to damage a friendship. If nothing else, my oldest 2 kids got to see me at my worst, and to see me own up to being wrong and to apologize. Hopefully, that counts for something. I have always tried to be honest with my kids about my faults and failings. I guess I still have a lot to learn, and I just pray that I will be given the grace to learn it quickly and with as little damage to others as possible.

Tuesday, January 30, 2007

They're school!!!

All 3 kids back in school today, at least for a little is coming back into focus. M.Elise went to school for a half about her adventures (and mine) on her blog. I guess
I looked as out of place as I felt. I am constantly amazed at this madhouse we call school. And, sadly, some of the administrative help are clearly graduates (or maybe not) or the system. The cretin that checks the students in/out actually gave my child a hard time today about her doctor's excuse...she was upset that M.E. got to school so early with a doctor's excuse that said she had been seen that morning (she went in late). M.E. said, "well, my mom is the doctor", which did not make old sourpuss one bit happy. Guess I have to go up there again tomorrow to "explain" it to her...."hate is b***h, I am a doctor, and yes, I can, and do write my own kids excuses. I also sign the protocols that allow you to have a school nurse here. Deal with it." I mean, I have been on the phone with these folks several times this past week, and actually checked her out today when she came home (she probably shouldn't drive when she is seeing purple and green spots and sparkles) and she didn't say a word to me. Did I mention that I hate mean people?
on a lighter note, the kids' showchoir competition is this weekend--and I am going to take M.E so she can compete. The rest of the choir is leaving on Thursday, but the bus ride/hotel room, 3 hours from home and doctor (no, not just me--I just write the excuses) thing was not possible. Sweet Conner, however, is very excited about that and will enjoy it tons. He has a couple of solos, and is thrilled. I can't wait to see him! Show choir has been very good for him--he is supposedly "the hot freshman guy to be". I think the High School Musical thing hasn't hurt with that--he is the picture of that Zach kid all the girls love.
I will drive M.E. to Alabama Friday for the competition only on Saturday morning, then its back home for her MRI Saturday. But at least she will get to compete. We are, however, blowing off Govenor's honors audition/interview--also scheduled for Saturday (who plans this stuff)? It is the same day as the competition, and would mean putting off the MRI--she doesn't want to go anyway, and so we are not going to interview. The school is not happy--it would be great for them to have her go to GH, but she doesn't want to spend her summer there, so I see no point in it. Sometimes, slacker mom just can't do it all (and doesn't want to).

Sunday, January 28, 2007

Finally back to normal--at least for us....

Well, back to the usual and customary routines, thank God. Hopefully, we are all on the mend for good. Just have to figure out how to prevent another horrid prolonged migraine attack. I am becoming very educated about migraines, like it or not. I am eternally greatful to the folks who sent us good wishes and energy: Dawn, Olivia, the 3 J's, my mom, Gena, and all are very, very special in my heart and I love you for your kindness. I have also learned a bit about myself and my expectations of others--there are always the little surprises that trip you up in life; hopefully, you learn from them and go on...

I had the joy of going to little A's baptism yesterday--she was beautiful--squirming in a frothy white gown, playing peek-a-boo, flirting with us all. It was one of those bittersweet times: wonderful, yet on some level not as wonderful as it should have been due to circumstances that are out of anyone's control. Liv was stunning, and the picture of dignity and grace...I admire her more every day. Her kids won't remember it, but I know she will always look back on the occasion and feel that is was not the celebration she had planned. So Liv, give yourself the credit you deserve. All in all, it is the meaning behind the moment, the bestowing of something wonderful, the belonging in a family that is universal--these are the gifts that you gave little A in her baptism, and in the long run, these are the gifts that count (and looking fabulous while giving them is just icing on the cake--and you did, dear liv, you did!)

Friday, January 26, 2007

update...or maybe I spoke too soon....

well, headache came, we are on the headache meds at home hoping we don't have to do the hospital thing again. And, true to form, when it rains it pours. My youngest is also sick now with--you guessed it: headache--and fever.
My sweet daughter is miserable, or as miserable as one can be when stoned. My middle child is cheerfully being neglected (I know, he's a middle child so he is probably used to it). And to top it all off, the computer I am on a laptop. Good thing I can remember the password to this account; unfortunately, its the only one I can remember! I have to say, I really love feeling connected with the outer world--if only through this blog! I so appreciate my comments from liv and de--it really makes me appreciate the wonder of cyberspace! Maybe I should try cyber-dating (just kidding liv, don't have a heart attack!) Single is definitely best at this point! I can't imagine trying to find time or energy for any other obligations. Anyway, I am here, being grateful for the fact that this situation feels so intolerable because I normally have healthy children, and God-willing, I will have healthy kids again really soon. No matter how sucky it feels, it is a million times better than so many other mother's situations. I remain eternally humble. And, please God, if it's not asking too much, could my kids please feel better really soon?

Thursday, January 25, 2007

well, the shoes on the other foot now....

I just got home from the hospital and I am drained. No, it was not an "all nighter"--blessedly, my days of being in house for hours and days on end are over (hopefully forever). I have been "the mother of a patient". My beautiful daughter has been in the hospital for 2 days with "the migraine from hell". Besides watching her suffering, there has been the intolerable irritation at living life on the other side. Believe it or not, I am generally not a bad patient, or patient's mom. In fact, it frightens me how easily and readily I relinquish the role of doctor. But let's face it--if I am there it's because I have run out of options, and its time to punt. As one of my yoga babies put it: "if a pediatrician can't handle it in house you know its bad." And that's part of the problem. Not only do I get to feel like a terrible mom when my child is suffering (and let's all be honest, if your kid is sick and you can't fix it you feel awful) but I also get to feel like a terrible doctor (she's in with a migraine? you couldn't handle that at home?) Its a really fine line, and one that all of us as physicians dance on: don't treat your own kid vs. don't take your kid in for a nothing problem and waste someone's time. Over the years, I've gotten pretty good at the balancing act (OK, it helps that everyone I know and love--with one notable exception, liv--is "medical"--hell, my kids think everyone I know is a doctor) so I have lots of help with deciding what is what with my kids; the problem is that with that comes the constant doubt and second guessing--am I ignoring something important? am I making a mountain out of a molehill? should he be on antibiotics? can I give her any thing else for pain without a cardiac monitor (which we do not have at home, unless that confounded Xbox 360 has talents I am unaware of). And of course, when you actually are in the hospital there's the inevitable "so now you know how it feels" (as if I didn't know or care about my patient's feelings), the over-cautious (pay extra attention to her kid, she's a doctor), the over-considerate (don't go in there and bother her kid, she's a doctor), the 3 IV attempts (no one likes to stick the doctor's kid and a nervous nurse with a needle is a dangerous thing).

Not that I am complaining (really?) What struck me most about the whole experience was the incredible kindness of my "peeps". Dawn, who found time during her impossibly busy day to come by several time, bring a laptop and DVDs, find the protocol for the medicines my child was getting (which no one had ever heard of, much less given) and educate 2 shifts of nursing staff about those meds (did I mention that she is the vice president of the hospital?), and to listen to me complain and whine without ever once implying that I needed to grow it any wonder she is the guardian of my kids if something ever happens to me (and their dad)? We rarely get to spend time together, but she is the first one I call when I really need something, and she has never left me hanging. The 3 "J's" who arrived with flowers and appropriate concern and sympathy--and who have monitored the situation from a comfortable and appropriate distance. Precious, precious Liv, who arrived with gifts, cheery children, and Starbucks--not to mention her own wonderful energy. How would I ever make it without her? The nightgown she brought M.E. was divine, and she even brought me grown up PJ's...she know's me better than so many people who should know me better. Even my ex did his best to be supportive and there for us--bringing food, carpooling the boys, in general doing whatever he could to make the situation bearable. And we did have some wonderful, wonderful nurses--you just can't imagine how genuinely nice they were (and I know that they probably got the short straw, NO ONE wants to be the doctor's kid's nurse, especially if that kid refers to your boss as "Aunt Dawn").

My child? Much better now, thank you! We are home, she is showered and tucked in and recovering nicely. Through it all she has been a trouper, and has made me totally proud. I am again humbled by the generosity of the universe and grateful for our overall good health and fortune.

Saturday, January 20, 2007

Wow! I've been tagged!!! Thanks, liv, I think...we'll see how it goes!

1. If you had to choose one vice in exclusion of all others, what would it be? define vice....I refuse to consider my daily latte as a vice, or my lunches out, so I guess it would have to be my love of ebay surfing, especially for things I can't possibly afford...
2. If you could change one specific thing about the world, what would it be? Isn't it obvious? Could everyone please just be nice? If everyone would simply let love guide their behavior in every aspect of their lives wouldn't this world be a better place?
3. Who is the one cartoon character you most identify with and why? Belle in Beauty and the Beast--I was (and still am) a "most peculiar girl".
4. If you could live one day in your life over again, which day would it be? I'm not sure there is a whole day, but there are so many moments. The first time I held each of my children; the last time I saw my dad; flying to St. Barts for my honeymoon with the "love of my life"--we saw 3 rainbows and I knew then we were going to have 3 wonderful children; sitting on the couch nursing my baby with my other 2 kids on either side of me; the first time I saw Morgan singing on stage, and everytime she gets home safely; hearing Conner yell "MOMMY!" when I get home from work--and seeing him wave at me from the ballfield in the middle of a game; playing Scrabble with Spencer; watching Spencer discover the theatre, and watching him "play" his siblings; moments of heartfelt joy at Fruition; there are thousands of joyful moments I want to relive and to cherish....
5. If you could go back in history and spend a day with one person, who would it be? Cleopatra--that time in history calls me, and I would only want to visit it in style....
6. What is one thing you lost, sold, or threw away that you wish you had back? a quilt I made and loved--divorce spoils.....
7. What is your one most important contribution to this world? my children, and yes, I know that's 3 contributions, but I am an overchiever...
8. What is your one hidden talent that nearly no one knows about? I just know that there is an artist within me, probably a photographer....or a singer; but trust me, its well hidden
9. What is your most cherished possession? photographs
10. What one person influenced your life the most when growing up? my mother--good or bad, she did the best she could, and I am who I am because of her influence
11. What word describes you better than any other? loyal, to a fault....

OK, so I've done it! Now, its up to me to "tag" someone else, right? OK, M.E., it's up to you!

Thursday, January 18, 2007

New Year, New Budget.....

Amazing how much a body can spend on insignificant stuff. Looking back at my last years bills in an effort to figure out how I go through money, I was struck at how quickly one can piddle away untold amounts of moola. A lot of it was just "post-divorce therapy": new furniture to create a new atmosphere and replace what was missing, new clothes and new shoes to create a new "me" (or at least a less dowdy "me"), entertainment and gifts for the kids (nothing makes you feel better than having great times with your kids--so, season ticket to the theatre! besides, there was no one to tell me not to buy them stuff, and I enjoy it!), meals out because I couldn't face the idea of cooking for "just us"....the list goes on and on. I could feel really guilty and irresponsible, but I think I wasted a lot more money when I was married--compensating for other things that were missing in my life. Shopping had become an "activity", not something that I did because I actually needed to buy anything. Hell, while most women went to the spa or got a manicure to rejuvenate, I went to Kroger! It didn't feel self-serving; I didn't have to justify it, and it kept me out of the house for at least a couple of hours. I was embarassed when I went in the other day and didn't recognize every cashier on duty--I'm not a regular anymore! I didn't do after-Christmas sales, New Year's sales,or "last chance end of season" sales either. I guess that now I have more important things to do--like go home and enjoy my space and my kids! And, even after the divorce purge, I still have too much stuff---I am buried in it! Excuse me, but what did I think I needed all this stuff for? I have always been a pack rat, but dear God, it is ridiculous what all I have accumulated over the years. I have already sold some stuff on ebay (hooray for capitalism!), and given a truckload to the Salvation Army, but I still have a long way to go.
There is, however, a new budget buster that has completely won me over--my daily Starbucks fix. It's not about the coffee so much as the experience. I love driving up and having a cheerful voice say "good morning--will you be having your grande, no-fat, extra-hot, no-foam latte this morning?" Or better yet, walking in and having it waiting for me before I even get to the counter to pay for it! Yes, its the ATTENTION!!! I miss being important enough to someone--anyone-- that they 1. notice my needs 2. respond to my needs 3. smile and tell me to enjoy myself. So, for now, Starbucks is definitely in the budget--its cheaper and more reliable than a boyfriend, and the Starbucks is less than a mile away! Besides, I'm worth $3.48 a day, at least to my local Starbucks!

Monday, January 01, 2007

Happy New Year!

It's finally done; 2006 is history. The 2000's have been a trying decade so far, and I am convinced that this year is the turning point. I am grateful to have made it this far as intact as I am, and with as much as I have and pray that this time next year I will be celebrating another year of growth and good health, and happy, wonderful family.
I think an important part of 2007 is going to be redefining family, a trend started in 2006, but finally becoming comfortable. Bach said " The bond that links your true family is not one of blood, but of respect and joy in each other's life. Rarely do members of one family grow up under the same roof." Knowing that, I am blessed and content with the love of the family that I have found. Not that my "blood family" isn't important, or good enough; but they are distant in all conceivable ways and rather than fight it, as I have for 45 or so odd years, I have come to accept it--embrace it, even. It's OK if I don't want to go home for extended visits: they don't want me to either! Instead I'd rather enjoy my time with family I have come to know and love in more recent times.
I was blessed to be visited today by my nieces, nephew, and ex-brother-in-law. One of the difficult things about divorce is the loss of the extended family--the in-laws--if you were lucky enough to have good ones. My in-laws were dysfunctional as hell, but infinitely more functional than my own family, and for the past 20 years have been my family. Unfortunately, with divorce, that is gone. But sweet Darren, my favorite Brother-in-law, brought his kids by to visit. He will never know what that simple gesture meant to me. I was even surprised by the depth that it touched me. So, for those of you who are in the midst of the "family divorce" if you can take a moment to show kindness towards the ex---do.
My focus for this year is going to be love. Just trying to remember to do all things with love, feel all things with love, hear all things with remember that we are, in essence, love and are supposed to live our lives as such. I have known and practiced this in my life for years, but somehow got derailed in the 2000' looking forward to returning back to what I know is true. Hopefully, as I remember who I am, I will become who I am capable of being. I wish to all of you love, and more love, in every aspect of your being.