The curtain falls....
Ever have one of those days when you're going along just fine then "BOOM"...out of the blue you're in a bad mood? That's me today. Get up--an hour later than usual because the kids are with their dad and I don't have before school duty--get dressed for work, think things are fine. But, the clouds were evidently gathering. As I went through the house all I could see was the stuff to do: the laundry, the garage, the taxes spread over the dining room table (another day, another post), the enormous piles of kid junk, the clutter, the litter box, the unpaid bills, the shoes, the coats, the.....my God, I can't possibly do it all. Not is this lifetime or a thousand others...and BOOM, the curtain fell.
My mood went south, and I don't mean to the Caribbean. I mean to hell. In a hand basket. Suddenly, I felt overwhelmed, useless, worthless, and totally unable to cope. Illogical, but very real nonetheless.
I know, I should get the kids to help...to do more, or at least SOMETHING...but the reality is they won't. I'm not talking white glove here. I haven't willingly made a bed in my whole life (hey, you just get back in it, right?), so I'm not exactly a stellar role model. They just don't see it as a problem, or at least not theirs. They had a nanny taking care of that stuff for 10 years; they saw their dad sit home and do nothing--and I mean nothing--for years after that. So, why should they? And that is largely my fault: I don't have the energy or the will to nag. And for the most part, if I totally lose it they will try to help. But, not really. They just don't get it.
So I seethe. I pout. I rant. I threaten. I cajole. I rave. I decompose. I nut up. I go to work. And come home. Convinced that someday soon I will get organized and get this house under control. But, I know it won't happen.
The big kids think that moving will help. When they don't have as much space to mess up they will somehow be more inspired to keep it clean. Ha. I spent 4 days of my Christmas break cleaning their rooms because I COULDN'T STAND IT ANYMORE and you can't even tell it now. Amazing. What about the 17 large black garbage bags of stuff I tossed? Evidently, the spores left behind have generated more stuff.
Tomorrow someone is coming to give me an estimate on painting inside. And hopefully, he doesn't mind stepping over the mess. Because I AM GOING TO GET THIS HOUSE ON THE MARKET. If it kills me, and it just might.
I definitely want a smaller house. Something I can handle. Something I can clean in say---a week??? This house is a monstrosity--14 rooms not counting closets, attics, garage, baths...and every room a disaster. I am drowning in my previous affluence.
I know that this is a problem I created and one I have to solve. Basically, I am just no good at confrontation and MAKING my kids do anything. No good at all. Thank God they are good kids, and I am not dealing with drugs, promiscuity, reckless behavior....just good, old-fashioned junk. In my floor. Everyday.
My "once a week" housekeeper comes tonight. And when she leaves, the downstairs will be presentable. There is that. And tomorrow the kids are out of school and it is supposed to be a "CLEAN YOUR ROOM DAY". Wish me luck.
13 comments:
I totally know what you mean. It's days like yours that make me end up in my jammies by 6:00pm just because I need the comforting. I curl up in bed with a pile of magazines and just hide from the world. Or I take another approach and have comfort food for dinner. I live in walking distance of a little place called Barbara Jean's here on the island. I love their pot roast, mash potatoes and carrots. I call over there and the young 20-something guy who answers the phone is always nice and I like to pretend he is flirting with me (because there's nothing sexier to a 20-something male than a 40-something divorced woman with a kid)! Whatever it takes to make it through the day, right?!
I think you just saved me. Thank you for commenting, making me smile, and understanding. And your right about the pretend flirting thing...somedays its all you've got!
BTW, Ben and Jerry just called and there's a Chunky Monkey that wants to date you! He said something about you, him and a spoon!
oh girl, knowing of course that I can't even get my house in order, I would offer to come and make your kids crazy so you don't have to. I too am the product of a mom who lived in a shit hole and now I do too. Looking back, I somehow wish that Mom would have given us what for and how! if we hadn't gotten our acts together. So, now I'm just a sloppy adult who'd like to date again and entertain again, and somehow know that it won't happen as long as I am mortified on a daily basis by the shitheap that I call my house. Nothing says romance to a guy quite like a single mom who has a bedroom with a sewing machine, a bassinet and john mayer coming out of the speakers. holy fuck. i wouldn't call me either.
peach, remind me to give you the 19 year old at starbucks run down...
Thank God I've found you and Peach and Liv, I know this is an awful confession, but just yesterday after reading your blog and seeing your photo- with beautiful you headed out on the town..., contemplating your upcoming move...I was feeling a little bit of envy. I fought it off, but it was there. I imagined that somehow you were immune to dealing with the minutia of the daily grind, that your affluence, albeit hard earned, may have sheltered you from dealing with mundane household frustrations... So, although misery doesn't love company, I do find comfort that it's just the way life is for everyone, that it’s not just that I’m a loser duffus. I pulled up in the drive the other day, and thought about all that need be done- the mess of laundry and “get ready for work crap” that I was coming home to, but it was the simple task of taking the dog out that sent me over the edge. I bawled in the car for a few minutes because I felt that I just couldn’t do it—it was too much. It is overwhelming, the pressure, and then add onto it the weird mix of anger and guilt we feel for the way we deal or don't deal with our children, oh pshft...The children...I so live on this page!
oh lu! please drop any notion of me as anything other than a struggling mom who also works. Liv can clue you in...I am as down to earth and normal as it gets. I, too, pull into the driveway and just blink back tears at what I know will be waiting...but, there have been times when I pulled in, then out again to drive for 15, 20, 30 more minutes just to delay going in to my trashed house, and my then husband. life does get better, but I sure have a long way to go before I get a handle on it. thank God for all of you who remind me that being human is OK.
I really love my blog sisters!
Lu, I know exactly what you mean about the dog and crying in the car. For me, I either cry in the shower or the car. I can't cry in front of my kid. He would fall apart. There are days when something as simple as bag not opening right or a favorite TV show being replaced with a State of the Union Address sends me into a fit of despair. I wail like an Irish banshee and cry enough tears to fill a couple of mayo jars. And then the exhaustion sets in. It sucks, doesn't it? When I do feel good, i.e. normal, I grab onto the feeling with a death grip. I’m just so glad that I have places like this blog and my own blog to vent. Thank ya’ll!
I gave up being supermom a long time ago but I still long for her. Sometimes she seemed so close yet she slipped away. I leave for school every morning with a guilty mind for all of the piles of crap left behind in my home. Your not alone.....no, you're not alone.
Oops, I can't even type without making a typo....sorry!
Girls, I have just leached enough negativity into the atmosphere to power the planet for the next 10 years. Ask the blog owner. Right now my house is at the heart of contention. I care about it, I don't care about it, I care some more. I don't like the idea of uprooting my children. I don't know even how to begin to live on such a downwardly adjusted income...whine, whine, WINE!
So, did the house get cleaned?
actually, the kids did an admirable job of straightening their rooms--enough that the painter man came and gave me a great estimate--they will start painting next week. so, the ball is back in my court--hopefully I will manage the laundry, and getting the storage thing tomorrow...the porch has been painted, the house, pool decking and fence power washed, and the garage doors and front door repainted...I think I am on a roll! My goal if mid-march---i'll post updates!
Okay, very, very cautiously I'm recommending http://www.flylady.net. Her system might seem weird but I can tell that it works. It has saved me and my house and my family from disappearing under heaps of laundry and dust bunnies.
(But then, you actually have to do it. So that's a drawback.)
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