Mommy guilt
I was reading a post the other night by a mom who's daughter had "borrowed" the family car, and been stopped by the police; the car was impounded. Mom was guilt-laden:
"I could kick myself in the ass for not keeping the car keys away from you. A learner's permit, after all, means that you are learning. The reason it isn't a legal right to drive by yourself is simply because you don't completely know how, yet! And that means it wasn't a matter of "trusting" you with the keys. Boredom, a hot summer day, the new thrill of driving a car and those keys beckoning you--it's my fault, ultimately. I wasn't protecting you."
I have to say, I could have written that myself--any of the number of times my kids have screwed up. Because, after the relief that they aren't dead comes the guilt. "What did I do wrong? How could I have prevented this?" etc. Yes, I know it is irrational, but it is like a reflex--completely out of conscious control.
At what point does it stop being the mom's fault? When they are 3 and hitting other kids at schol? When they are 6 and not invited to the popular kid's birthday party? When they are 10 and don't complete their summer reading? When they are 14 and failing biology? When they are 17 and pregnant? When do we start holding our kids accountable--or at least stop blaming ourselves?
One of my dear friends is my hero on this issue. After years of torturing herself whenever her son screwed up she finally saw the light. Let me say, the "system" doesn't support you in this!
Several weeks before graduation she received a call from her son's Spanish teacher that he wasn't passing, and might not graduate. The teacher wanted to know what she was going to do about it.
"I think you have the wrong number," she said. "Let me give you his cell..."
The teacher was sure she had not heard correctly. My friend explained to her that this was not HER problem, but her son's and only he could fix it. He went on to fail Spanish, and is now in summer school--which he is paying for himself. Harsh? Maybe, but I think it is brilliant and appropriate in every way. I wish I had her kind of common sense.
I am working hard on this one--really making a conscious effort to "mail it to the right address" as one of my friends says. It may be too late. My daughter screamed at me yesterday--ranted and raved and when I told her not to talk to me in that tone she screamed: "This is all your fault! You shouldn't try to talk to me when I am in a bad mood."
She is right. It is my fault. I should have let her face the consequences of being ill-tempered a few more times when she was younger. Now we both have a lot to learn. Hopefully, I'll catch on quickly, and so will she.
14 comments:
I don't have children so I am not qualified to comment about the children. In the business world I tell people, "I'm not going to let your problem become my problem". Or I tell them, "I don't have a dog in this fight" and walk away.
Man, it's hard. Thank you for writing about how your friend handled the phone call from her son's teacher. It took a lot of strength in the letting go. Now my husband regrets fixing everything so quickly--we should have let her face the judge, and possibly be sent to traffic school, which would be good for her.
Chalk up another learning experience in parenting school...
Nothing prepares us as parents for the countless and innovative ways in which kids can screw up.
I was a single parent, so I took all the blame, some of which was merited. Of course, now that they are grown, I also get all the credit, (some of which is merited.)
I believe that it is as important to teach our children responsibility and independence as it is to give them our love because ultimately, they are the same.
Oh, wow! This one just tripped my switch!
:)
I have to say that I never would have gotten away with yelling at my mother like that. She would have knocked me into the next decade.
Your daughter's choice most certainly is NOT your fault!
If she's old enough to be driving, she's old enough to know it is her responsibility to control her emotions.
We don't get to bully people in the "real world" with our bad moods. If she doesn't learn that one, she will have a very unhappy life.
The best thing we can teach children is that actions have consequences.. and they need deal with those consequences.
Your friend was brilliant! :)
Peace,
~Chani
I don't have children either, but I don't think I'm wrong: It seems that children/teenagers keep telling their parents that they should be treated like adults younger and younger. But, oh, how mad they get when their parents DO treat them like adults, and likewise, expect them to behave like adults. I even tested my mother's limits in that manner. I daresay, I think your friend's son is better off learning the "harsh" lessons now. I sure wish I'd have paid attention when I was a teenager.
(By the way, I came here via LittlePea.)
It's such a hard thing so do, but so vital in teaching them what they need to know.
This is so hard. My son did not graduate last month. He chose to quit hs in Feb. He's over 18, I had no choice. It's really hard not to blame yourself. You see if you blame yourself maybe you can fix it. Otherwise, you have no control. Welcome to my world.
This is a great post. I have been so frustrated with my 4 and 3 year old lately. I tell them something and they ignore me. Since they have such a rough life of playing, eating and sleeping all day, I have decided not to nail them to a wall to see if they "want the cookie." If they don't answer me the first time I call their name, they lose it. They cry a lot, but they are catching on. They have to start taking responsibility at an early age. Hopefully it'll pay off. Thanks for the tip/validation.
It's so nice to hear from other people that their daughter's yell at them. Thank you for that. I agree with what your friend did, it was her son's problem. I'm trying to do that with my own children but it's just painful to watch.
My son ended up in jail before he decided to get his shit together. My daughter will not graduate but I have decided this is her problem, not mine. She doesn't like my attitude. She wants it to be my problem but I'm not having it.
I just pray for the patience to not kill them:)
Wow. So many people have great things to say on this. And, I'd just mention that to throw in the big D word just makes it all harder.
If I can hardly stand up to a near 2 year old screaming for "Dora" popsicles, what on earth will I do in 15 years?
Strength, girl. Strength!
Great post :D
I hope you're doing good! I'm working at Jeneane's now so you will definately have to come and see me sometime! How's the new house?
Much Love
<3
Hello all, and thanks for the thoughts...
reggie--it is so hard not to let their problems be your problems!
sharon--it is hard. you feel like you are between a rock and a hard place. her courage comes from a LOT of hard battles...and I am so proud of her! still, there's nothing like facing your consequences...
Hearts--you are so right...it all really comes down to acting with their best interests, and your best love, in mind
chani--i would never have spoken to my mom like that either--but then i would never have shared my life and my deepest fears, joys and regrets with her either. i actually prefer that my daughter feels safe sharing her life with me--even if it is sometimes very messy....
courtney--glad you stopped by! you are right: they really think they are adult and are totally offended when the world (and their mom) doesn't comcur!
meno--who would have thought when they were babies that it could get harder?
janicenw--oh, i am so sorry...but you are right. i never thought about it that way--if it is my fault, then it is in my control...i am going to try to remember and catch myself in that pattern...
mama p--you are so on the right track! you have some lucky kids!
deb--my daughter rarely yells at me, but when she does--WOW!!! everyone tells me that it is because she feels safe with me. her relationship with her dad is so f**ked up that really, i am the only adult she has to bounce things off of. still, it is so hard...
sweet liv--you know how it is...and thanks for being around for me: i'll be there for you when toodle starts getting all hormonal on you!
cay--thanks for stopping by...glad to see you are doing so well...
Great post. Meno is right, and Chani. But it is hard because we always could have done better. I love the response of the mother whose son was failing Spanish.
I've been lurking, via Liv, for a short time. This post really resonates with me. Everyone has discussed the strengths very well already.
I don't have children (of the two legged variety), but I have noticed plenty of adults that would have benefited from being made accountable for their actions at earlier ages when they showed signs of "knowing it all". It makes me nauseous every time I encounter someone who obsessively blames someone else for their own neglect or incompetence.
When I was growing up, my father told me, and both my siblings,"If you ever get picked up by the police, give me I call. I just want to know you're safe. Just don't expect me to bail you out." Message received.
A well-expressed post.
Post a Comment