happy fucking easter...
I am not sure why I am in such a foul mood, only that I am. My kids are at their dad's this weekend--I should be happy that they must be having a good time, since I haven't heard from them, but I am not. I am alone, and livid.
My kids and their dad have a unique relationship--when its good it's evidently very good--when its bad it's horrid. Which leaves me in pertetual call mode--be invisible when it's good; be available for rescue when it's not. Perhaps I am the problem, and I am brainstorming ways to make it better, but for now I remain in limbo--held hostage by my ex's moods. So what else is new? For today, that meant not making plans to be with friends because the kids "didn't know" what they were doing with their dad. It meant buying easter stuff, hiding fake eggs, dying eggs "just in case" they decided to come home. It meant I am a fucking idiot, sitting home pissed at my kids because they chose to spend the day with fuckwad instead of me. It means paying the bills, and worrying about college, and cars, and car insurance for teenage kids, and worrying about mortgages, and moving, and packing, and vacations. It is trying not to be consumed with bitterness by the unfairness of it all. It means I am just as bad as he is--pissed when they don't want to be with me...
The kids deserve to be happy--deserve to be able to enjoy their time with dear old dad--deserve not to be responsible for either of our happiness. OK, so why am I so pissed off? If I go with my basic belief that anger is fear, then what am I afraid of? What is it that is killing me inside? What am I so damn terrified of all the time?
I think it is that I am not enough. Not smart enough to manage the details of our complicated lives. Not talented enough to make it all work. Not skilled enough to make enough money to support us. Not strong enough to survive all the lonliness, fear, angst that comes with growing old and watching your kids grow up and leave you alone. Not brave enough to actually be.....alone. Because that is what I am. Alone.
Addendum: my beautiful daughter brought me a surprise easter basket--complete with the most wonderful note ever...I am, after all, remembered, loved, and very blessed...
10 comments:
Oh gosh, you sound completely normal to me. I think all divorced parents have these same thoughts and feelings sometimes.
Hope your day is better and better.
You are perfect.
A call just felt better to me than a comment!
xoxo
You have taught your daughter well.
You hit it on the head when you said "Perhaps I am the problem".
If you are not there to rescue them, they will have to deal with daddy in all his glory.
Easy for me to say huh?
Also, i smiled when i saw your first line. All the other things i've read today are all about fluffy bunnies and pretty eggs. Thanks for that.
I must admit that I laughed as well at "Happy f***ing Easter!"
Been there so many times, it's difficult to remember how many...
You're right about the kids. It is not their job to balance all of this but I can certainly understand where the uncertainty would make you a bit crazy.
You'll do well though. I have no doubt of that. :)
Peace,
~Chani
Hey Ellie,
Oh, I feel what you are feeling so much of the time. It's so hard to keep emotions at bay and maintain balance. For what it's worth, I think you are amazing. I only get to pick up bits and peices of you, how you fix Liz fries, drag out the tool box and repair anything from locks to electric switches, you put your house in order and sold the damn thing in what...a month? Not to mention the work you do and the how involved you are with your kids.
You my freind, are a rock.
I hear you though, this alone thing is a hard, hard thing.
thanks to you all for the wisdom and the good thoughts...just hope that somehow we can all manage to live this crazy life with some small amount of sanity ( and a great sense of humor).
I'm going to have to side with meno on this one. You have become a safety net for both the evil ex and your kids. You have got to start living your own life, sweetie. Make plans, do stuff and let evil ex and the kids know that you can't rescue them until it is convenient for you. Why do I know this? Because I'm just like you and it's making me cranky and ill! BTW, when are you posting photos of the new home?
sorry we kind of killed your day...we didnt mean to. i love you.
That was an awesome, wrenching entry, Ellie.
You were a good, good mother, to prepare an Easter that never happened, but what Meno says is good, too.
Um..your kids don't read this, do they?
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