The darker side of me....
The problem with believing that you are basically inadequate is that it takes very little to tip you over the edge into despair.
I am an overachiever. Ask anyone. I do it all. And I do it well. Perfectly, most of the time. With a smile. Cakes for school bakesales, quilts for sick kids, donations for charity, prescriptions when you need a refill and your doc is out of town, shoulders to cry on, broken doors fixed, window treatments made, you name it. I am a mother, a doctor, a teacher, a yoga instructor, a damn good friend to several people. I basically can do anything I set my mind to.
So why do I feel so completely worthless?
Because I know that the reason I CAN do it all is because I HAVE to. No one is fucking going to do it for me.
I wonder sometimes, what would happen if I got sick? I did once, almost died, actually. My worthless husband was out of town. My kids didn't know what to do--they really didn't know I was as sick as I was. I told them to call my friend, and she wasn't home. So what did I do? I told them to go on to bed, and I went to sleep prepared to die. There simply wasn't anyone else I could think of to call. I was too sick and out of my head to even think of 911, and the kids had no idea I was that ill. So I just waited to die.
I feel like that now. Like I am simply waiting to get the kids raised so I can die.
I try to avoid situations where I know I will feel like shit. Usually I know: no "couples" stuff, nothing, in fact that points out to me that I am alone. Not much associated with work--my ex was an integral part of where I work, and his memory lingers. Nothing that emphasizes to me that I am alone. Today, I don't even know what derailed me, but I just unglued. Maybe it was the kids telling me that their dad wants to "join the country club". Maybe it was trying to finalize all the details of closing on one house before another, and trying to get everything I want done to it done before we move in. Maybe it is too much change at once. I suspect that it is realizing that no, I am not enough. I am not enough at all. I hate what my life has turned into. I try to be excited, really, I do. And most days I convince myself that I am. Excited, and happy, and anticipating something better. But some days I can't pull it off. Like today.
Today I am just a 46 year old single mother of three needy kids with not enough money in savings, a home I can't keep, a house that needs to be made into a home, a job that I hate, and too many bad memories. Its easier to keep the bad ones, because the happy ones hurt more.
I hope these days are becoming fewer and farther between. At least every day is not a struggle to breathe, like it was when I was married. I still have so much anger though. When does the anger go away? And when it does, what replaces it?
11 comments:
I know what you mean. I've been accused of having the Martha Stewart gene. People comment on the fact that I can work, and yet I'm still the mom who makes cakes and helps with classroom stuff and doesn't have a cleaning lady and serves on non-profit boards and .. and ... and. When someone asks you how you do everything that you get done, do you have the same reaction I do? I always think to myself, "What is the option here? If it needs to be done, then I have to do it." One time I fell down the stairs at our house and thought that I had broken my leg. I just started crying and wailed, "I don't have time for a broken leg!" I was told I needed to alter my priorities. (Of course the person, i.e. Satan, who told me that, couldn't tell you where the pans are in the kitchen or where I keep the vacuum.)
Hi, precious one. I hope you know how much I love you and that I'd happily and clumsily try to be your bad, somewhat irresponsible little sister who attempts to sort shit out! I don't know precisely how you feel, because, really, who can, but you? I do know how it feels to feel worn out and down, and like everything from the dirty house to the fussy kids is a symbol of personal worth (or lack thereof). I also hope you know that I'll do any old thing for you if you'll let me. After all, it's Thursday night and it's just me sitting around touching up my roots and painting toenails while wondering how long life will feel so flat. xoxo
Most honest writing i have read in a while.
You cannot do it all, be it all. How depressing is that?
I am not in your shoes, but i could be. You are wonderful.
peaches--the Martha Stewart gene. I love it. Were you as pissed off as I was that she went to prison? Did any of the men involved go to jail? No, she just did it--and did it well. What else was she going to do?
liv--yes. flat. that describes life right now. with occasional potholes and speed bumps. my roots need it, too...I am just too tired to manage it during the week...
meno--thank you. your comments mean a lot to me.
It sounds to me like you are simply overloaded. You might disagree with this but I believe we human beings are not pack mules, not beasts of burden. We are not made for the endless stress we often create for ourselves.
There's a price to be paid for that stress. Living over our means, living beyond our natural capacity for stress and change, all of those things factor in and can do great damage to us emotionally and spiritually.
You are not alone. I'm sure you know that intellectually ~ but the feeling part doesn't always correspond to logic.
Personally, I hunger for a time when we will all have families and friends who are more communal ~ can do more than just say "I'm sorry you're going through that".
But that's a cultural thing and I know I can't fix it. That's part of my hopelessness. I've given up on that. I can only change my location to one that corresponds more to my way of being.
You shouldn't be doing any of this alone. None of it.
Peace,
~Chani
And, btw, I would love to take a yoga course with you. :)
Someday.. maybe...
Peace,
~Chani
I came over to you from Chani.
Your honesty is so huge. I have grieved many times in my life. Too many times for a mid forties gal.
But it all does pass. Sometimes it rears its ugly head and I get snowed under. But in the photo of you taking a shot of yor kids (I assume it was you). You look strong tall straight.
Its gonna work out.
I can tell you I'm four years past the initial shock, and while I no longer collapse on the floor in grieving sobs, the anger still wells up. It wells up to the point where I am choking on it, ripping sobs that won't stop, rising near hysteria, terrifyingoverwhelmingcan't stop it by myself -- and there was no one to call. So I rang my therapist and she said "whoa" and talked me off the ledge.
I know just how you feel. Somedays "what's the point" is the only thing there is. And it feels like utter misery.
You can only slog through it, like boots sucking through mud. And when you get to the other side, marvel at how grasping that mud was, be relieved you kept your boots on, and then turn and continue down the trail to see what comes next.
Want some help unpacking? I'll come over (if I weren't so damn far away)
What must make it all the more difficult is that you are so very good at making things work, others overlook your needs. Others look to you for support and assume you have it all and couldn't need anything. I've never achieved all that you do, but I've felt the pressure. I wonder what it would feel like to have someone cook a meal for me in my own home, to bring me broth when I'm sick...
Part of this is the cycle of grief and it's a bitch. Part of it is doing too much. I had to let go of some of the things I was trying to do--at least for now. It's ok to be selfish for awhile
Beautiful post. Anger is a tricky thing. For me, it was realizing exactly how angry I was, then making a conscious effort to let it go. Then one day, you wake up a little less angry. I don't know exactly what replaces it - can't be peace with three crazy kids ;) Your resolve is amazing!
When I was going through my divorce my lawyer said that a divorce was like experiencing a death - except that person is still alive and wants nothing to do with you. (I started crying immediately). I got lucky. My ex wanted nothing to do with my daughter when we moved only two hours away. Last I heard he was in jail....
there is really no way to express my gratitude for the comments...they are immeasurably helpful and kind.
chani, there are no words...you are just wise, and wonderful, and comforting, and grounding in so many, many ways.
crazymumma, thanks for stopping in. I appreciate the encouragement
more than you know.
amusing, 4 years. wow. I hope the 8 years I stayed after the inital shock will count for something and I will get through this sooner somehow. the anger still just sneaks up on me, though, and nails me every time.
lu, you are right about letting go of some of the "stuff"--I think I stay busy to keep my mind and heart occupied; its easier if you don't have time to dwell on it, you know?
miga, you are lucky. it sounds crazy to say it, but you really are lucky that you don't have to deal with the "living dead". I think the theme song of my divorce is "how can I miss you if you won't go away?"
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