o.k. so this day was a total F**K up...
Have you ever had one of those days when all the bad joo joo of the past weeks/month/years that you have blythly shrugged off just collapses on your head like an enormous, suffocting dung heap? I have had that kind of night. And yes, while it sounds good and feels right to justify my own bad behavior with a litany of just what hasn't gone right in my world lately, the truth of the matter is sometimes I just fuck up. And I pray that nobody gets hurt. And sometimes, that's just not good enough.
Bottom line--no, I didn't kill anyone (and in my field that is actually a possibility, so I guess there is a God, and he is still looking after fools and small children). I over-reacted, spoke prematurely, and hurt someone very dear to me. When I discovered my error--almost immediately--I apologized, profusely and sincerely, but the fact is I was wrong and I hurt someone with my words and my hysterical accusations. What was I thinking? Why did I get so irrational and out of control? I don't know--I only know that it was wrong and I feel terrible. I always try--albiet not always successfully--to be kind. No, actually, I am rather a bitch in a lot of ways, but my goal is to try to be kind. I just fuck up sometimes. But I never, NEVER deliberately try to hurt someone. And now, I have. I can't think of anything to do or say, except I am profoundly sorry, and I suspect that isn't enough.
So what will come of it all? I don't know. I hope that my apology will be accepted, but I know from experience that forgiveness is more difficult. It doesn't take a lot of stupidity to damage a friendship. If nothing else, my oldest 2 kids got to see me at my worst, and to see me own up to being wrong and to apologize. Hopefully, that counts for something. I have always tried to be honest with my kids about my faults and failings. I guess I still have a lot to learn, and I just pray that I will be given the grace to learn it quickly and with as little damage to others as possible.
5 comments:
Hoo boy. What if life could be on two second delay so we could have that moment to catch some of these errors?
I'm sorry this happened to you with someone close to you. Self-recriminations are so much easier to acknowledge and move past if the person you mistreat is, say, a retail clerk.
Re: your comment at my place, I do wish you luck. I hope it's easier when you come at it with a bit more experience and self-assurance. But, maybe it's the opposite - as an adult, you have that much more to lose. I know I felt glad I got it out of my system before college - the friends who messed up IN college seemed the worse for it.
Oh, baby, I can't even imagine you coming down on someone. But, I also know the truth is that it all has to eventually come out. Compartmentalizing in convenient, but combustion is too.
love you. and your chicken and dumplings and biscuits are still waiting for you.
Seeing you at yor worst, I was proud of you as always. You handled your mistake in the best possible way, and I know that being the kind person that you are you can't even fathom this but many people wouldn't have corrected it. You were completely honest and sincere. Even the best of us can make the worst mistakes, but this one turned out all right in the end.
I am still so sorry that this year has been so difficult. It's only getting better, I think.
I was proud of you, as always, and I love you dearly.
Usually it's a show of trust, and intimacy when you let your guard down and let the good manners slip. How often do we come down hard on people we don't care about? It's when that kind of behavior bleeds into the everyday, with anyone that it is truly frightening and upsetting.
Humans; we lash out sometimes.
I think it is infintely valuable to see your mother correct her bad choice. More valuable than if she never made a bad choice.
Post a Comment