WOW.
The past 2 weeks have been such an emotional roller coaster. I am exhausted, mentally, physically, spiritually. Heartfelt thanks to all of you who sent encouraging words and comments--I didn't even have the energy to respond but they were all so appreciated.
My birthday was wonderful--I think maybe the best yet. Celebrated with friends X3--had 3 wonderful dinners (and a trip to the ATL with liv, complete with good food, good wine, and a trip to "whole foods"). I am tremendously blessed.
My house has a contract on it--yes, barring complications, it sold technically before it was even on the market 12 hours. The contract negotiations were a pain, but if the pool "passes inspection" it will be sold.
And I am saying: "MY GOD! WHAT HAVE I DONE???"
You may remember that it was only a short while ago that I made this decision I have felt so strong, so sure of myself. New paint, new carpet, repairs, purging of years of accumulated trash, storage of years of accumulated treasure, unending work to get my house "ready to show" and boom. It's not my house anymore.
I guess this would be easier if we had somewhere else to go. I have looked at several houses; and decided to buy one of them at least 5 times, but the simple fact is that I love this house. I love the space--the porch that I designed, the pool that has been my refuge and the center of the kids summers. And there is no other house that I have seen that compares. Of course, I am looking at smaller houses. Smaller mortgages. Less yard. Smaller utility bills. That has to count for something, right?
The main contender in the search for a new dream house is lovely--it is in a golf/tennis/pool community (no pool maintenance, but no privacy either). The problems include a laundry room that I abhor, and a kitchen that is smaller than my present bathroom. Other than that, it is great. Lots of space for the kids to entertain, a biggish yard, with woods behind for privacy, brick (low maintenance). In fact, when I first saw it I thought--Wow. The first house I look at and its perfect. But, when I go into my kitchen and realize that I will have to get rid of 3/4 of the stuff in it I just panic. I love my kitchen. Love everything about it. And I can't just pick it up and move it. I also love my furniture. Most of the stuff I didn't want went with the ex. I'm rather fond of what's left. But do I want to move into a house and already be cramped?
"MY GOD! WHAT HAVE I DONE?"
The kids have been excited and supportive--they like the above mentioned house. But tonight, my little Spence looked around and said, "I'm really going to miss this place", and one little tear almost fell. My heart broke.
He'll enjoy the new house, where ever it is, I am sure. And so will I. But for now, he and I are both feeling the first little twinges of homesickness. And yes, even a little bit of fear. I just hope it is short lived.
8 comments:
oh, baby! i know. we are doing so well to put on brave faces and keep trucking for our kids, and ourselves. then i pass the wall where i've measured davis for 4 years or a photo falls out of a book i mean to pack.
there's excitement about life on the other side, but, oh, the trepidation!
xoxo
To Better Days Ahead!
Getting rid of stuff is hard. But it can be liberating too.
I wish you luck in finding the perfect place.
My best friend left her alcoholic millionaire husband with only as much as her Yukon could carry. Her first "house" alone was a tiny duplex that backed up to the railroad tracks. She loved it. It took her years to get up the courage to leave him because she thought she'd miss the house she'd remodeled, the stuff she'd accumulated, but she didn't, she doesn't miss it. You have the kind of energy that will help you and the kids make the new house uniquely yours, even more so than the one you're leaving. Your energy is so impressive. You are so impressive.
Just create a passage. Acknowledge the change -- the fear and the excitement. When we moved again and again it was just expected/no emotions allowed/stop your complaining. My therapist said that's part of what was in my well of sadness.
I remember the third time we moved -- I might have been about four or five? -- I remember planting an appleseed right outside the front door. My idea was that it would grow and would always be there and it would be a thing that I did, something of me I left behind.
So let the kids hide a time capsule in the attic. Or write their names in the back of a closet. Or bury some treasure in the backyard. They can say goodbye then, but feel like a part of them can stay.
Change is bloody scary! I'm the first to admit I hate it. :)
Peace,
~Chani
you all all so terrific..thanks for reminding me of all the stuff I should already know.
lu, I know a woman who walked out of a marriage with only a mink coat and a waterford punch bowl--she never looked back, and she did great.
amusing, I love the ideas--I never once moved as a child--I guess why I am so wigged out about the kids--moving was never a consideration when I was little; in fact, the only one I ever knew who moved was my friend whose parents got divorced--she was the only one whose parents divorced too--I remember that they had to literally pick her up and carry her out. She was never quite the same. Funny how times change-divorce (and moving) are so common now. I planned to have them make a scrapbook, but the time capsule thing is great. The family that is moving in has a son that is a great friend of Spence's--so far that seems to be a good thing.
We have been in the same spot for 20 years....I feel your pain. I pray things work out in an easy manner for you.
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